Why Ian Ziering would be a better friend to have than Jason Priestley

Spooky hands © Scott Patterson | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Spooky hands © Scott Patterson | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Last night I was in [city not identified but it looked a lot like Fargo, ND] and I was coming out of the [possibly West Acres] mall when the “Zombies!” cries started. Those and the “Flicker!” warnings were the only notice we had.

Then the dead showed up.

These zombies weren’t your lurch-to-the-beat Sean of the Dead zombies. They weren’t your hive-mind, superfast World War Z zombies either. These guys were slower than the ones Brad Pitt fought but they were  sneakier. These zombies came at you… from under the ground.

You know the scene in the movies where the zombies crawl out of their graves? Apparently, digging through dirt is a skill that they all have. Forget shambling along streets and congregating in alleys before packs of the undead start roving for fresh meat sources. That is so last year. Now, zombies sense their prey on the surface and tunnel through the ground so they can come at you from below. Those monsters can dig and chew through asphalt and pull you under almost as fast as you can blink.

The “Flicker!” warnings I mentioned? They aren’t foolproof but they help. You see, when zombies travel underground, the vibrations set off car alarms. Smart people have wired their alarms so the headlights flash, or “flicker”, when zombies set the alarms off. Of course, they’ve disabled the sound because there’s no use in drawing the zombies to you.

Anyway, there I was, minding my own business coming out of the mall when the latest zombie attack occurred. And Jason Priestley was in the parking lot too. We had to escape. Because the zombies could pop out of the earth at any time, there was a lot of jumping from bumper to bumper and pausing in truck beds to see if we could spot any newly forming cracks in the concrete.

For some reason, we decided to share a ride out of the parking lot and, can I say, Mr. Priestley was definitely not the stereotypical “here, let me hold the door for you” polite Canadian. He’s more of a “get your ass in the car so we can get out of here” kind of guy. No heroics, just fleeing the scene as quickly as humanly possible. At least we got away.

I guess the “Mr. Charisma I can convince people to do what I want with my mind” character Mr. Priestley played on Haven was not much use when it came to defeating the zombie apocalypse. Mr. Ziering’s chainsaw-wielding, Macgyver-bomb-making Sharknado hero would have provided a much better practical background for surviving the situation.

The moral of this story is two-fold.

1. When attacked by zombies, join forces with an actor who has been in a movie where he or she was victorious over a monster attack and survived. (Heroically sacrificing himself/herself so others may live is not going to get you through the second wave.) The movie’s writer was paid so there are at least a few people who thought the screenwriter might have been on the right track. Obviously, ideally you want to be on Bruce Campbell’s team.

2. Don’t fall asleep in bed after watching Jason Priestley appear in the commercials for the Canadian Walk of Fame awards while emailing your friend about Sharknado, especially if you set you electric blanket to “high” and accidentally fall asleep, cooking your brain so you get the worst dreams ever, causing you to wake up in a sweat at 2 am going “what the hell was that, and what do you mean I have to put my foot on the floor to get to the kitchen to have a drink of water – the zombies can come through the floor!”