The worst things about being on crutches

5. Yard Work.  To be honest, I don’t miss mowing the lawn. I’ve hired a service for that. A freaking costly service – do you remember mowing the lawn for five bucks? Those days are long gone, my friends. So, it cost me an arm and a leg (in addition to my broken foot) but the guys show up once a week and they do a good job. Unfortunately, my gardens are still untouched. The weeds will be taller than the flowers by the time I get out there. I’ve given up on a veggie garden this year. I might still be able to get my herbs box garden done.

4. Making the bed. My bedroom isn’t huge. It takes a lot of work to scoot around the bed and pull all the blankets and comforters down and tuck stuff in. Forget about changing the sheets. Fitted sheets are hard enough to deal with when you have two hands and two feet. On crutches and one foot, they are impossible to handle.

3. Laundry. This isn’t a problem if you have laundry on your main floor. Mine, however, is in the basement. Down is fine. Here is the most efficient process I’ve found: Kick basked of dirty laundry to the staircase, one step at a time. Throw  dirty clothes and the basket down the stairs (thank you, gravity). Slide crutches down the flight of stairs. Inch down, one step at a time on my bum. Assemble clothes into basket, find crutches, kick basket one step at a time into laundry room. Load washer standing on one foot. Back up stairs on my butt, backwards. Up and down stairs again to switch load to the drier. Back down on my butt to empty drier. Dump clothes in basket. Kick it one step at a time to the bottom of the stair case.  Toss crutches up the stairs. Pray they make it to the landing and don’t fall back down and crack me in the head. Put the laundry basket in my lap. Bump my butt up one stair. Haul the basket up one stair. Repeat for the entire flight of stairs. Kick laundry basket down hall to bedroom, one step and a time. Collapse from exhaustion.

That’s one load. Raise your hand if you only have one load of laundry. Exactly.

2. Grocery shopping. You can’t use a cart or a basket because then you can’t use your crutches. Your options are to impose on a friend or family member, give them a list, and write them a cheque when they return with a load of groceries (cheque, not cash, because getting to the bank is another feat) or to do it yourself. I’ve found the best way is to wear a backpack and load it up, then empty it at the checkout and refill it there. It works relatively well but you can only buy about five things. One thing, if you get a 4L of milk. Milk jugs are heavy and throw off your balance.

1. Stairs. Anything under five standard steps is okay. Long, wide stairs, like going into a public building, are pretty easy to navigate. Skinny stairs are the devil. The crutches fit but the boot is twice as wide as the step itself. It’s been 3.5 weeks and I still haven’t attempted to do a flight of regular stairs on my crutches. That’s like hopping on one foot for 14 steps in a row. I’m sure I’d end up with something else in a cast.

2 more weeks until freedom. Hopefully.