The scariest movies in existence

1024x1024-barbie-pink-solid-color-backgroundThis colour is not “bubble-gum” pink. It’s not “Pepto” pink or “cotton candy” pink. It’s “Barbie” pink.

It’s Satan’s favourite colour.

I didn’t used to hate Barbie. I had several dolls when I was a kid. Putting aside the body image issues, and the lack of ethnic diversity, and the impossibility of getting those unbendable arms through sweater sleeves that are too small to even fit a grown woman’s pinky, she was a pretty cool chick. My Barbie was a nurse and a doctor and a cowgirl and pirate and movie star and an adventure hunter. She did it all.

Recently, I’ve learned that Barbie has introduced herself to the next generation and, let me tell you, technological advancements have not been kind to this blonde. Well, to be more accurate, they haven’t been kind to the next generation’s parents. You see, Barbie’s evil empire has expanded. It’s not just dolls and accessories anymore.

She has DVDs now.

I’ve seen “A Fashion Fairytale”, a story that exceeds an original Grimm tale in for sheer horror (and I’m not just talking about the dress designs.) “Princess Charm School” has all the requisite stereotypes (down to a Mary Poppins-like headmistress and a literal prince from Charming.) The really scary part is that these DVDs pretend to be good for you and appeal to your vanity (Look, pretty! I can be pretty like that!), all the while leading you to ruin. It’s hard to see it when each movie has a message like “every girl is a princess” and has accompanying upbeat scores that you can sing along to!

Satan is tricky like that.

“Barbie and the Three Musketeers” is the one that broke me though. I handled the valley-girl speak during the French revolution. I cringed but survived the note giving Barbie special permission to join the Musketeers. But the head housekeeper/Kung-Fu ninja/retired female Musketeer destroyed any credibility the movie had left. Unfortunately, my movie date got picked up by her mom before I found out if the head of the Musketeers relented and let Barbie and her two girlfriends (and hurray for multi-culturalism because they aren’t blue-eyed blondes) join their boys’ club. I’m willing to bet that Barbie prevailed.

I cannot adequately describe the depravity depicted or the hideousness of these movies. There are no words to warn about the sugar shock that attacks viewers before the opening credits finish. Or the one-dimensionality of the characters. (I know it’s a cartoon but even animated people should be, at minimum, 2D).

Or the pink. God, all the pink. Nobody should have that much pink in their life. I’ve given myself the shivers just typing this post. There is an entire colour palette that is being ignored. Seriously, I wonder if these DVDs damage your television by leaving those shades unused.

So to anyone buying films for little ones of your acquaintance, I beg you to stop and think. If you want a moral message, get a Veggie Tale. If you want strong female characters, look to Disney princesses. They aren’t perfect but they’re a step up. If you want to torment the adult who will be forced to sit through these movies repeatedly, you’ve found your torture devices. But I beg you to reconsider.

Don’t invite Satan into your home. Your eyeballs will thank me.