How plants really grow

Roses - by me

Roses – by me

I took high school biology. I studied this. I remember about chlorophyll and photosynthesis and converting CO2 into O2. But, when you water a plant that is drooping, here’s what I think really happens…



Top Leaf #1 – Hey, Top Leaf #2, I’m so dehydrated I think I might be hallucinating. Was that a drop of water?

Top Leaf #2 – Hold on, let me confirm.


Top Leaf #2 – Yep, that was definitely water. So the human finally remembered we existed, huh?

Top Leaf #1 – Attention, Plant Brain! Attention, Plant Brain! We are being watered!

Plant Brain – Are you sure it’s not a bird?

Top Leaf #3 – Not a bird. Incoming water confirmed.

Top Leaf #1 – Oh, that was a big drop, a few more like that and I’ll have all this dust washed off.

Top Leaf # 2 – You are so vain, all “look at me.” You’re nearly as bad as those damn blossoms.

Top Leaf #1 – Don’t get mad at me. It’s not my fault a caterpillar tried to eat you and left you all chewed up.

Plant Brain – Cut it out, Leaves, and keep the reports coming. All roots, prepare for water intake.

Root #1 – We’ve got nothing, Plant Brain.

Plant Brain – Wait for it, Root #1.


Root #1 – Holy cow, we have water, Plant Brain. Drinking commencing.

Root #2 – Me, too.

Root #3/new shoot – Excuse me, Root #2, what is this stuff?

Root #2 – It’s water, kid. Drink up.

Plant Brain – Root squad, we are waiting for water up here. Confirm intake has started.

Root #1 – Damn it, Plant Brain, we’re roots, not garden hoses. We’re sucking it up as fast as we can!

Plant Brain – What did we say about classic Star Trek episodes again?

Root #1 – The human doesn’t talk to us like the books recommend but she does put on the television and leave the window open so we can hear it. She likes sci-fi.

Plant Brain – Forget the sci-fi, where’s the water, Root #1? We’ve got some droopy and dangerously dry foliage up top.

Root #1 – We’re doing as much intake as we can but the water is being absorbed by the vein walls before it can get to the extremities.

Top Leaf #3 – Plant Brain, the water seems to have stopped.

Plant Brain – No, the human can’t stop yet. That wasn’t enough!

Root #2 – We still have water in the soil. We’ll pull as much of it as we can. Maybe we can get some of it to one of the buds.

Top Leaf #3 – Hold on, Plant Brain. Yep, it’s starting again.

Plant Brain – Hear that, roots?

Root #3 – I’m running dry, Root #1.  Oh, here comes a new source.

Root #1 – Great, kid! Don’t get cocky.

Plant Brain – Root #1, we’ll be talking later.

Root #1 – Sorry, boss.

Branch #1 – Plant Brain, I’m feeling something.

Branch #2 – Me, too.

Plant Brain – Take what you need and pass the rest on down the line. Good work, Root squad, keep it up.

Bottom Leaves #1-8 – Okay, we are now off of deadhead watch. This will do us for days.

Bottom Leaf #9 – Hurray, I like being perky!

Bottom Leaves #1-8 (in unison) – Shut up, #9!

Plant Brain – Keep passing it down the line.

Blossom #1 – It’s coming! It’s coming! Water! Oh, wow, this is fabulous! It’s better than being bumble bee-d.

Plant Brain – We don’t need to hear that, Blossom #1.

Blossom #2 – This will be enough to get us all into full bloom, Plant Brain. Thanks for the re-supply.

Full Bloom #1 – I’ll be able to hang around for a couple more days with this intake.

Blossom #2 – It’ll be good to see you. You’ve been an inspiration to all of us.

Plant Brain – Hold onto your petals for as long as you can, Full Bloom #1.

Full Bloom #1 – That’s the name of the flower game, boss.

Top Leaf #1 – It’s stopping, Plant Brain.

Top Leaf #2 – Confirmed. There is no more water falling on us.

Plant Brain – Root squad, report.

Root #1 – We’re okay, boss. All cells are fully hydrated. I used backchannels to talk to the top leaves and even they got full water intakes.

Root #3 – I have a little puddle thing surrounding me. Is that good?

Root #2 – Real good, kid. Draw on it as you need to for as long as it lasts.

Top Leaf #1 – That felt good. And I’m all shiny again. Bonus!

Top Leaf #2 – I hope the human fertilizes us with bull manure and she gets it all over you.

Plant Brain – Attention all leaves, branches, blossoms and blooms. Next time the wind blows, everybody wave at the human to thank her for watering us.

Bottom Leaf #9 – I’m going to wave now.

Top Leaf #1 – I’m just going to twist a little so I can dry off in the sun.

Top Leaf #2 – There’s no wind. I’m telling!

*leaves moves*

Plant Brain – Dammit, I wish I were a cactus.