All I Need To Know To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse I Learned In High School

© Scott Patterson | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Scott Patterson | Dreamstime Stock Photos

5. Extra-curricular activities.  Join the track team. When using the shot-put and javelin, aim for the brain stem. Practicing sprints and hurdles increase your odds of escaping the ravenous hordes. And the long jump is vital for jumping from rooftop to rooftop while the zombies chasing you fall to their undeaths.

4. History. In particular, study the Middle Ages. Everyone knows that the zombie apocalypse is going to come with a breakdown of technology so you are going to have to go low tech when it comes to weapons. Also, play attention to what you can modify for home defense. There’s a reason that villages used to isolate themselves from the plague. Barricades increase your life expectancy.

3. Sex Ed.  Slutty boys and girls die first… usually because they stupidly sneak off to have unprotected sex in some unsafe, unlit locations where the zombies are. If you are going to have sex, have it in a real bed. Zombies almost never go for the second floor bedroom.

2. Biology. You need at least Introductory Biology in order to know how to use a microscope so you can identify the zombie virus in blood samples. It would be better if at least one person in your survivalist group had 200 or 300 levels so they are able to finish the colony scientist’s work and save the day.

1. English Class.  Punctuation saves lives, so use it. Case in point:  “Let’s eat, Grandma!” versus “Let’s eat Grandma!”

So the moral of this little post is to stay in school.

It’s a no-brainer.